she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize