Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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