Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
