I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
