you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just found puke in my bra..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
