The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
