areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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