Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
