i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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