You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
