Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
