I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My hand turned me down
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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