what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
