somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
