I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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