I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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