first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
