I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
