you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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