btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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