You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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