Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
