Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
