God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
