Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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