i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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