i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
