I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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