I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
