Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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