Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
