I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
