I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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