I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
