he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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