So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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