i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
