I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
