you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
