I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
