I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
