I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
