Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
