I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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