You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
