Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
