How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
