The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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