Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
