Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
