Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
