If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
