Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
3 2 1 whiskey
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
