My cat gives me a boner
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
