It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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