Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
