I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize