I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
