u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
