I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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