Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
