It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
