Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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