Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
