i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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