for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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