I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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