I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
