i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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