Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
